You Guys, I Screwed Up

Hey guys. Soooo, I have a confession to make. I screwed up! Like royally screwed up. Today, what was supposed to be a big win, turned into a big fat juicy FAIL!!

Ever have those moments? They do not feel pleasant! Like, I want to tell my feelings to get it together, Carol! Stay in your place Mr. Feelings, until I call on you please! Stay right where you are. But they aren’t listening.  They keep forcing their tears out of my eyes and frustration out of my mouth hole! I tried to tell each one of them when it is your turn I will call on you……. They are worse than a three-nager with this not listening business!

I guess I should tell you what ruffled the disobedient feeling’s feathers. So, I started a new podcast. It’s called Hello Courageous. My husband and I had talked about starting a podcast for years. We just never got it started for several different reasons. One day I decided I was going to go for it. I had good reason. I had overcome some years of intense insecurity and fear. I knew I didn’t want to walk through that again or alone. If others out there felt anywhere near the way I felt going through that, I wanted to help them. I don’t have all of the answers, but I wanted others to hear that there was hope and that they were not alone! I wanted to help people find courage again or maybe for the first time. I wanted to help people tackle fear and put it in its healthy place as God designed. I imagined all the courageous stories I would record and all of the people it would touch…and then I did it! Yay me! Would you just look at me displaying all that courage?

So, fast forward to today. I had on my schedule to record my eighth podcast guest. I am still new at this, but with eight under my belt it shouldn’t be a big deal, right? Well, it was. Today was a huge deal for me because I was interviewing a well-known woman and author of a new book that will be released January 1st. We were planning to promote her new book on the podcast. And Y’all, it’s a GOOD book!!

It was important to me that it be perfect. I checked my equipment, double checked my connections, test called to make sure it all recorded and worked the way it was supposed to. I read my questions a few times, read her bio and got a solid footing for the interview. I did my thing, sat down to interview and loved talking with this guest about her story of courage. We said our goodbyes, and I immediately wanted to hear the interview, so I eagerly got the SD card out of the recorder and plugged it into my computer. I wait….and wait… nothing is there. I didn’t panic; I called my husband who seems to be able to fix any of my tech troubles. He assured me that it was my computer. He told me a few things to do. I did them….nothing. NOTHING you guys! I had erased the whole ENTIRE interview! I was heartbroken, devastated, and angry at myself for not doing all the things I have been taught to do.

Turns out, you have to turn the recorder off before you remove the card or it will erase everything. Actually, I knew this. I had been told this exactly one hundred and fifty-seven thousand times. I just forgot. In that moment of excitement, the big win for my podcast, I got excited and forgot the steps.

So, yeah. I screwed up….royally! A flood of emotion came at me. I tried to shove back at it as if to say “Uhh, no ma’am. You don’t get to come out of your cage.” But they came anyway. All the days of super hard work to get it up and running, all the nights staying up recording, editing, re-recording, emailing guests, promoting on facebook were packed full of hope and emotion, and now it had somehow become meaningless because of this one mistake. This dream of helping and giving back was taking a hit. The emotion I felt with it made me want to quit! My mind tells me slightly dramatic and irrational things at times.

You see, we condition ourselves to control the emotions we feel. There are some, the not so pleasant ones, that we like to manage: how, when, and where they come out. But it doesn’t work that way. God didn’t design us to work that way. Emotions are a gift from God. He uses them to help us in life. Mad, glad, sad, afraid, all feelings designed by God to get us through this life. Did you know that when you cry your body releases an endorphin called leucine-enkephalin that reduces pain and works to improve your mood? God is a genius…duh! That good solid cry did help me feel better. That, a convo with God, and some encouraging words from my awesome support system.

So, I didn’t even mention that the episode that was also supposed to air today had a hiccup as well. Embarrassing! It didn’t load correctly. We had to fix the audio on the episode and upload again. Did I say embarrassing? It was a double whammy kind of day. With all this emotion rolling around inside I wanted to run and hide. I wanted to pretend that this dream I had been building up in my heart didn’t even exist.

But as they say “not today satan” I will not let one failure determine the future of something God has laid on my heart. I had my cry. I am going to get up, wipe my tears, face that excellent author, tell her what happened, and hope for grace.

I wrote all of this out to say to you if you royally screwed up if you are tempted to give up because of a mistake you have made, or something didn’t go the way you planned it, maybe you are scared out of your mind to do something new, don’t stop. DON’T GIVE UP! Not on your dreams, yourself, your children, or your family! Do that thing afraid. Step into it! Even if it bombs, you can be proud that you made an effort. Even if you don’t get the grace you need, or they don’t accept the thing you are offering.

Bumps in the road will happen. We will royally screw things up because we are human. Don’t stop because you fall, as my pastor says “fail forward.” You got this, girl!

Today I learned, like this photo, not to take myself so seriously and also a new way that I am not going to do something. On to the next lesson, Y’all!